Turn Away
by Leramei
Summary: Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes you do everything right and fate comes and kicks you when you are already down. Kurt's reflection. some Angst, but mostly detached review. cancer!fic companion to All My Favorite Colors


_Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, any of the Characters, the songs or anything else you recognize._

_I was never in Kurt's position, but I have spent most of my life in Finn's._

_I hadn't intended to sit down and write this, but it just sort of came out._

_This is unbetaed. If you're up for the task feel free to private message me. I hope you enjoy it._

**…Turn Away…**

Bruises didn't seem out of the ordinary to me. Between the bullying I got at school and my penchant for walking into doorframes I usually was covered. I didn't think anything of it when more began to appear in places I didn't remember hitting. When I started feeling tired constantly I blamed senior year and my six AP courses. I think I knew when my joints began to ache. But I continued to ignore it until Carole noticed the weight loss. I think Blaine might have had something to do with that. I argued with dad when he made me the appointment for the doctor.

ALL, they told us, Acute Lymphoma Leukemia. Dad just latched onto me and held me. He cried for the first time since mom died that day in the doctor's office. I was in disbelief, cancer wasn't supposed to be the sort of thing you passed down through the generations, but mom had died of ALL when I was eight. I don't know what scared me more, knowing what was to come or knowing that I was defying the general prognosis by simply having ALL, I was too old most people got it before their 10th birthday, I was 17 and my mom had been an oddity, she was 27 when she was diagnosed.

At first, the worst thing I could imagine was my hair falling out. I actually broke down into tears at the thought. Dad thought I was crying because of the cancer or because of me and mom, but I was mourning my hair. It seems so silly now, by the end of the first day in the hospital it was the last thing on my mind.

There were days when it took everything I had to just lay there and not move. It hurt so much to even think about moving. All I wanted to do was cry, but it hurt too much for even that.

The days I couldn't stop puking, even when I hadn't been able to eat for a while, they were the worst. It wasn't until the third day that it started. I managed to rip out my IV the first time I was sick. By the end of that first week I didn't care about anything. I hurt everywhere. A part of me just wanted to die.

I don't know how Finn manage to keep it quiet for that long, but the first time any of them came to see me was the day after my last day of the first week of chemo. It was a in between day, I really only wanted to lie on my side, aimed at a bucket, but I was happy to see them. They sang to me, Rachel, Mercedes, Finn and Blaine. Keep holding on. Avril never sounded so intense, not even sophomore year when we sang it to Quinn during Baby-gate. My dad had gone for coffee when they came to see me, to "give you kids some time alone."

Blaine stayed after the girls left, Rachel made Finn go with her and I was grateful to her for it, he needed to relax. He just sat in the chair that dad and Carole had spent the last week in, staring at me, my currently empty puke bucket at his feet. I lay in the hospital bed staring into his eyes. We talked that day. We cried until I began to dry heave. When I finished he climbed into the bed behind me, and held me for hours. Dad came back for a while, standing in the doorway, just watching us. I didn't know at the time, I had fallen asleep, but he as Blaine talked about us. I think that was a lot of the reason we managed to hold onto each other though out it all.

They let me go home two days later, but I couldn't go to school. Dad, Carole and Finn had moved my bedroom from upstairs to the den. Carole had hung a curtain over the door way, to make up for my lack of privacy. When I first heard I was angry. First I had to get cancer, now I couldn't even have a real room, but by the time we drove home at made it into the house I was too exhausted to climb the three steps to our porch. Finn ended up carrying me to the rented hospital bed in the old den that day after I nearly collapsed in the foyer.

I think I slept for almost the entire next week. As each day passed I felt better and better. My friends visited more and more, and I was able to go out to see them at sectionals, but only for their set. I was very happy that we got to host that year, the ten minute drive to the school was tiring enough. The twenty minutes I was in the auditorium left me exhausted, but I wouldn't trade it for all the energy I'd had the previous week. Dad video recorded it for me, in case I fell asleep. They wrote me a song. I felt loved, and when they won I felt like I was winning too, even though I hadn't sung in nearly a month.

Blaine came over the night before I had to go back for the second treatment. We stayed up late, talking until we fell asleep. Dad even let him stay in my bed that night. That was the first time any of my hair came fell out. I woke up, ran my hand through my hair like I always did when I was half asleep and shrieked when I saw it. Blaine shot up, thinking I had been hurt, Dad and Finn came running. Carole appeared from the kitchen. I just started crying. Blaine held me as I sobbed, rocking back and forth. Dad sat next to us, hugging us tight. "I'll shave my head." Finn blurted from the door. Everyone just stared at him. "To make it all less bad. You won't be the only one bald," He shot me his 'I'm trying to help' smile. "Me, too," Blaine whispered. "I will, too, squirt." My dad sat back. "Me, too, Kurt," Carole said as she hugged Finn.

I didn't let Carole join in and I tried to talk Blaine out of it, but before breakfast none of the men in our house had hair. I cried when dad took the buzz cutter to my hair. Blaine held my hand as my hard earned perfect hair fell onto the bathroom floor. The ride to the hospital was in good humor, but by the time I returned to the juvenile cancer ward I was feeling apprehensive.

Chemo hurt just as much the second time that it did the first. The second day Finn sent me a picture; all of the Glee guys had shaved their heads. They were standing on the choir room risers in ridiculous poses. It made me smile for the first time that day. Blaine managed to visit for a while every day I spent in the hospital. Sometimes we talked; sometime he did his homework while I slept. On the worst days he would hold me or rub my back while I was sick. Mercedes managed to make it in during that stay a couple times. The first time she came she brought me a present she and the girls from New Directions had gone in on together and had gotten me several designer scarves to cover my offensive (at least it was to me) baldness.

I bounced back faster the second time. It only took two weeks for me to be up to going visiting. Blaine took me out to dinner, to Breadstix, of course. The only thing I managed to eat was the breadsticks, their lack of flavor being a good thing for keeping food down. Too soon it was time to go back.

The third round was harder physically on me. The doctors told me it because they used different, harsher drug combinations. That was the hardest for me. It took near two days after the end of that treatment for me to be able to move without wanting to cry. I was set to be discharged until round four when I got sick. They figure I caught the flu somehow. All I knew was that I was getting weaker when I normally got stronger. I passed out one Saturday when Blaine and Mercedes were visiting. They had brought me the new Vogue and were discussing the spring collections when I collapsed. I don't know much about what happened over the next week or so but the next I knew I was in a white room with large windows. My dad was standing in one of them, his forehead braced on the glass. He looked like he had been crying. I heard him hit the glass when he saw me move, but I was asleep again before anyone came in.

The next time I woke up he was in there with me, dressed in the strangest get up. He was covered from head to toe, wearing surgical mask and hair cover. Blaine stood in the window. Dad told me about how I had gotten sick and they moved me into a clean room to keep me from catching anything else. That was probably the most boring week of my life. I felt like my new definition of normal by the end of the third day I was awake, but I wasn't allowed to be moved into the general ward for four more days. Then I had to stay there until I started round four, two weeks later and three weeks late.

That round of chemo was probably even with round three on the hardness level. Look at me; I've been spending too much time with Finn. I'm starting to talk like him. That was the week of never ending vomit. I manage to puke even when I had no stomach acid left things would still come up. If it hadn't been for my IV and I probably would have died of dehydration. They had installed a permanent shunt in my chest to help deliver my medications before I started chemo therapy. That week I managed to knock it loose with my constant heaving. There was blood everywhere. I have never seen Dad move so fast; it had been just me and him or Carole that week as Blaine had caught the flu so he was banned from visiting. I was rushed into surgery, I really don't know how they got me to stop heaving long enough to put in a new one and secure it. I wasn't discharged until two weeks after I finished that round, giving me just one week at home before the last round.

Finn was excited I was home, he was trying to write a new song for regional's in two weeks. I tried to be helpful, but I was just depressed at the thought of not being able to perform. I must have been more obvious than I felt, because he noticed and he is usually fairly oblivious. He hooked my lap top up for me and left me alone for a while. I skyped with Blaine, who was still on the no-visit list due to his round of flu. He picked up on my depression, too, so I must have been really bad at covering my expressions then. Every night that week we fell asleep on Skype. I think Dad was beginning to worry about me by the end of that week when the only times I left my pseudo-room was to use the bathroom or try to eat.

The fifth round of chemo was terrible for the three or four hours after I got my treatments, but then it was like the morning after achiness. I managed to make in home three days post-chemo. I had to go back in two weeks for another lumbar puncture and blood tests to see if I had to do more.

I was probably in my best humor for those two weeks that I had been for the entire five previous months. My moods would swing with no warning, but I was generally very upbeat. Blaine was finally allowed back, and he brought with him a recording of regional's, him singing with the Warblers, Finn and the New Directions, and even stupid Vocal Adrenaline. I don't think I was ever so glad to see those soulless automatons. I have no idea how my friends had all managed to keep the results from me for the week and a half between the event and when Blaine was allowed to visit. That was the first time all of my friends got to visit at the same time. New Directions invaded the house, along with the Warblers I knew from my stint at Dalton. I'm positive that my doctors would have been very angry if they knew I was entertaining thirty-odd teenagers. All I knew was at that moment as I sat sandwiched between my brother and my boyfriend, surrounded by my friends, I felt the best I had in over six months. We watched the tape together; Rachel kept a running commentary between the various numbers in spite of Santana throwing things at her.

After the choirs had all performed they gathered on stage when the video suddenly cut to the April Rhoades Civic Pavilion. "What?" I questioned, only to be shushed by my friends.

Rachel appeared on the stage, "Kurt, you know we love you and we want nothing more than for you to be here with us tomorrow, but since you can't we decided to do a number, just for you." She flashed her giants smile at the camera before it panned out to reveal not only New Directions by also the Warblers standing on the stage. A soft tuning pitch rang out before they all came in, imitation fiddle, drums and other various instruments for the intro before Finn stepped forward, singing the first verse before rocking back into the massive combined choir as the entire non-instrumental members joined in for the chorus. Blain sang lead for the rest of the song, Brittany and Jeff, one of the Warblers, partnered for an amazing dance during the instrumental break, before they finished off the song. "Kurt," Blaine in the video said, "I hope you like our rendition of Trace Adkins' Going through Hell. Just know that we love you. I-we love you so much," He smiled, "And I'm sure you'd like to know who won," the picture cut back to the competition.

I simply basked in their love, I didn't even notice when New Directions was declared the winner. I was too busy cuddling Blaine. It wasn't until he whispered, "You know, nationals are in Los Angeles this year," that I remembered to be thrilled. They all stayed for a long time, I don't know how long, I fell asleep within an hour of the video, but Blaine never left me that entire night.

When I went to the doctor the next week I was relaxed. I think I scared my dad a little, but I was ready for whatever that had to tell me. The tests went well and we were ordered back for results the next week. That day Carole took time off of work and Finn and Blaine skipped school to go with Dad and me to the doctor. When we walked in and sat down together. That was probably the strongest, mentally, that I have ever felt.

* * *

><p>"Kurt! The plane is landing!" Finn chirped from beside me, making me look up from my laptop. He jumped up and down in his seat.<p>

"Stop acting like a two-year-old," I ordered him, flashing my favorite 'bitch, please' look.

He whined for a minute before Rachel and Mercedes peaked over their seats, "Oh my god, aren't you excited?" Rachel cried out. I'm sure the entire plane shushed her and the stewardess scolded them to sit properly.

I smiled, "This is going to be fabulous." I declared, closing my laptop and whipping out my compact mirror to ensure that I hadn't gone disheveled during the flight. When we were finally allowed off the plane I made sure my clothes were all straightened before checking my head scarf once more. Pleased with my appearance I grabbed my laptop bag and proceeded down the aisle following Finn.

I couldn't have taken more than three steps before my scarf was snatched off my head. I whipped around to yell at my attacker, coming face to face with Puck, "Puck, I swear to god if you don't give that back-"

"Relax, Hummel, you're in L.A., time to show off your new hair," he reached up and ruffled my very short hair that had managed to grow back in a curly almost black color, "It looks awesome," he added when I didn't move.

I rolled my eyes, knowing he wasn't going to give it hack any time soon, before storming off the plane. I paused for a second, regaining my composure before strutting into the airport. Mercedes and Rachel cheered from one of the rows of seats and I did a mock cat walk strut towards them, stopping to do a turn slowly in an imitation. "Love the hair!" Tina cheered as she joined us. I flashed a smile at her.

"Come on, guys, we need to go to the hotel," Mr. Shue rounded us up, "You need to get some sleep, we perform at 10 am tomorrow!"

Standing in the green room that day I couldn't believe how nervous I felt. This was my first competition on nearly a year, and even after all that I went through in that year I was still petrified. I played with my tie and scarf in the mirror as Mercedes sidled up beside me, "Everything's going to work out, Boo." She kissed my cheek before taking my hand and pulling me with the rest towards backstage.

"I can't do this!" I squeaked in a very undignified manner.

"Yes you can," a familiar voice whispered into my ear, "You'll be magnificent."

"Blaine? What are-"I was shocked to see him, he was supposed to be in Ohio.

"I'm here for you, now I need to get my seat," he kissed me quickly, tugging my scarf off my head "I love you, break a leg," he hugged me quickly before disappearing from my view as New Directions arrived backstage. I rushed to smooth out my hair as I went to take my place.

"New Directions, from McKinley High School, Lima, OH." The announcer proclaimed as I took my spot behind the curtain. I nodded and Brad began to play the piano intro. I took a deep breath and sang.

* * *

><p><em>The end.<em>

_Hope you enjoyed it, feel free to leave a comment, constructive criticism, or what not._

_3 Leramei_


End file.
